Mourning

I miss my father. I wish he were alive. There! I've finally said it and am not ashamed at all. Each one of us deals with loss and separation in our own way. I didn't wear black or white and sit in a corner and cry for a week or a month. I went and acted, did 2 days - 4 shows of my play " Crave", then I went to college. I went to French class, I worked on a French theatre workshop, completed my photography assignment and then did the exam.....

Its been two years but it does not mean that the loss is reconciled with. Sometimes it feels like it is just beginning , that I am just realizing what has happened. There is no period for mourning. How can you restrict something like this to a time frame?

And mourning is also complicated! When I first landed in France, I found myself thinking that I will maybe find my father here! As if he had simply moved from one continent to another! It must have been the complete change of landscape, jet lad, and just change.... And once I wondered if I will find him on the internet!!!! Maybe death has fared better at teaching him about the internet than I had???? Well no, but google did find me a letter he had written to a newspaper....

I've said it before and I will say it again. No one and nothing is that central to your existence, nothing will take your breath of life away. You will live through everything, of course.... but this does not stop you from yearning, wishing, craving for someone's love, affection and just mere presence.

Yes its complex! I don't just miss his love and affection.... I miss fighting with him! I missed him at my graduation... I wish he could argue with me now about the congress rule, about how late I come home.... I wish we he could be there to disapprove of the boy I go out with!!! I wish he could tell me to be careful in France knowing very well that I know how to manage... I wish he could give me lame advice even though he knows I know exactly what to do...

Nothing is central but you only ever get one father...........